Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
