It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
