just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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