Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
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