turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
