Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
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