distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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