i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
