I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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