i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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