Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
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