When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
