god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
