In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
He better not be in your backpack
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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