Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
