I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
