Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
