with your own penis?
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
