So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
