just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
