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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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