I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
