I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Just invented taco cereal.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
