a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
