I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
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