We named our party play list daddy issues
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
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