I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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