My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Randomize
