I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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