my sisters under your porch take her home
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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