i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
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