There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
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Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
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You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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