I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
