he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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