two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
