Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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