we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
