And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
