as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
