i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
