I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
