Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
