I will die if light touches me.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
