the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Randomize
