I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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