1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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