Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
