It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
