i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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