good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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