all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
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