What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
People with herpes should wear stickers.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
