he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
