He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
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And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
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If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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