I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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