matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
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I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
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Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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