Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
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